56 random thoughts about the first six Star Trek movies!

HBO had Star Treks I-VI on over Thanksgiving, and as I haven’t seen a few of them and haven’t seen any of them all the way through in a long time, I thought I’d crank up the DVR and check them out. Here are my random thoughts about each one! (With, you know, SPOILERS, but come on, we’ve all seen these!)

Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979).

1. I like low-key pretentious things, and the name of this is kind of low-key pretentious. “No, no, don’t worry – it’s not the television show, it’s a motion picture.”

2. The cast apparently didn’t like this because they didn’t get to do a lot of character stuff, but come on – it’s Star Trek. Everyone knew who these people were, so just put them in the plot and let them go!

3. The biggest problem with the movie is that Stephen Collins (yuck) and Persis Khambatta don’t really have chemistry together. That’s kind of crucial.

4. Speaking of which, Khambatta doesn’t do a very good job here, but I don’t know if it’s her fault (she’s better in a smaller role in Nighthawks, her next movie). She’s much more convincing as a robot than a human, which isn’t great. Deltans, I guess, are supposed to be an erotically-charged race, so perhaps she was told to play close to the vest because that’s how Deltans need to act around non-Deltans or the non-Deltans will burn to ash in an erotic explosion, but that’s just speculation. It’s hard to believe Collins at the end because in the beginning, Khambatta doesn’t come across as someone one would sacrifice their humanity for.

5. I will never not love beard-having, medallion-wearing, disco-digging “Bones” McCoy (see below). He’s grumpy that he got “drafted” back into Starfleet. The only thing that would make it better was if he had said, “And they transported me away just as I was about to score with Debbie Harry at Studio 54!” Never change, Bones, you douchebag.

6. It seems that people were a bit grumpy about Spock being less than nice, but the whole point of the movie is that Spock is trying to leave emotions behind and he can’t. So when he comes onto the Enterprise, he’s still “all-Vulcan,” but as he and the crew learn about V’Ger and what it wants, he begins to see that he can’t deny his human side. This isn’t exactly subtle, so why people think Spock is “too Vulcan” in this movie makes no sense.

7. The “villain” of the movie is very cool. Using a Voyager probe (even one that never existed) is a very inspired idea, and making it a sentient machine works really well. Most movies, especially ones that are based on beloved franchises, wouldn’t have the stones to do that, especially the first time out of the gate.

8. This is really the best Star Trek movie, isn’t it? I mean, everyone leans toward Wrath of Khan, but I submit that Wrath of Khan is a movie for adolescents, while The Motion Picture is more adult-oriented (and everyone forgets about The Undiscovered Country, which I would argue is better than Khan). It doesn’t engage in action, instead deciding to ask deep questions that aren’t going to be answered in a big-budget sci-fi movie, but at least get asked, and the resolution is fascinating. Even the “boring” parts (which I don’t find boring, although I know many do) try for a sense of wonder and majesty at the vastness of space, something the subsequent movies really don’t. The age thing is handled well, too, as I noted below. Even the last movie, when Shatner was almost 60 and they even talk about retiring, still turns him (briefly) into a rootin’-tootin’-fightin’ dude, which is a bit ridiculous. But this movie understands the changes that come with age, and doesn’t have a problem exploring it a bit. It’s nice to see.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982).

9. Shatner and Nimoy were 50 during filming of this movie (Shatner was exactly four days older than Nimoy) and Kelley was 61, and the filmmakers did a nice job in this and the first movie with kind of leaning into the age thing, even if later movies tended to ignore it, especially with regard to Shatner. As someone on the plus side of 50 these days, I appreciated this more now than I did then. Shatner fighting people is never not going to be ridiculous, but it’s still neat that they at least acknowledge that people age. Shatner was already trying to stem off aging, wearing a corset and toupée, but at least the movie nods toward Captain Kirk’s age, if not Shatner’s.

10. Montalban is terrific, if a bit overheated, but Khan isn’t too bright, is he? He gets a lot wrong in the movie, and constantly underestimates Kirk, and doesn’t think things through all that well. It’s still a great, bravura performance, but a bit frustrating to watch today.

11. There are a ton of plot holes in this movie. How did Khan and his band survive for so long? Why are there no old people with Khan – his group is almost entirely young-ish people, who would have been children 15 years earlier, when he was marooned. Why didn’t Starfleet ever check on him, even at long-range? Why didn’t the Reliant see remnants of the destroyed planet? Why didn’t Chekov die from the worm in his ear? Why do any trainees at Starfleet take the Kobayashi Meru scenario seriously when they know it’s a no-win situation? How did Genesis make an entire planet out of a spaceship? How did Genesis make the inside of the asteroid livable when it seems like the only way to use it is the highly inefficient “blowing it up” way that Khan employs?

12. Khan’s use of the worm thing is pretty cool, though. It’s still freaky, even years later and with the acknowledgement that the effects aren’t that great.

13. Kirk’s demeanor throughout is pretty good, too. Shatner’s overzealous “KHAAAANNNNN!!!!” will always be humorous, but what’s fascinating and doesn’t often get mentioned is that by this time, his plan is already in motion, so he’s overacting for Khan, and Khan buys it. Shatner will never be a terribly good actor, but when people laugh at this, they forget that Kirk is raging ridiculously deliberately, to make Khan think he’s beaten when really, he’s just buying time.

14. Merritt Butrick isn’t great as Kirk’s son, but it feels like miscasting. Butrick is very good as the spacy dude in Square Pegs, and while he never did too much comedy, it seems like he was better at it than drama. He’s just … weird, and seeing him play David so danged seriously doesn’t really work.

15. The secondary cast doesn’t get much to do in these movies, which is too bad. I mean, at least Chekov gets a fun arc here, but Scotty, Sulu, and Uhura don’t. Scotty’s nephew gets killed, so he can be sad for a few seconds, but other than that, it’s a bit annoying. Kirk talks to Scotty a bit more than he talks to the others, and Takei can do wonders with his eyebrows, but Nichols just says her lines and doesn’t have much else going for her.

16. Nimoy only agreed to the movie if Spock died. Dang, Len, that’s cold.

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984).

17. The title of this movie is a lie. I mean, they know where Spock is pretty much the entire time!

18. Oh, Kirstie Alley [R.I.P. – I wrote this about a week before she died]. You were so very, very stupid. Get a nice gig as the neophyte Vulcan who might eventually become a main cast member, then demand more money because, what, you think they’re not going to take care of the main cast first? Who knows. Anyway, she gets replaced and the franchise doesn’t miss a beat. Well done, Kirstie Alley!

19. One of the plot holes in Wrath of Khan was Genesis creating a planet out of a … spaceship? What the heck was that all about? They never mention how weird it was, but I like to think the Genesis planet destroying itself in this movie is an attempt to close that hole.

20. The science of how Spock turns back into himself is probably best left unexamined.

21. What was the deal with Kirk’s family? Carol Marcus isn’t even in this movie, which seems odd, and David gets himself killed. Kirk gains a family, has barely any interaction with them, and then one disappears and the other dies. It just feels like a wasted opportunity.

22. Christopher Lloyd as the Main Klingon is instantly recognizable from his voice, but John Larroquette as Klingon #2 really isn’t.

23. Nichelle Nichols has even less to do in this movie than the others. Sheesh, filmmakers!

24. Saavik and Spock kind-of sort-of have sex, don’t they? In a clinical, Vulcan way?

25. This isn’t a very good movie, unfortunately. It doesn’t have much of a plot, and the Klingons are kind of dumb, and it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Oh well.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986).

26. Everyone seems to like this movie, and it’s perfectly fine, but it’s not really a great movie. What if we lifted the plot from Star Trek I and added some silly humor? doesn’t really make it a great movie.

27. I don’t mind Spock being funny, but his cursing does feel a bit forced. He’s funnier when he’s just being his Vulcan self in a world that doesn’t know how to handle it.

28. I like how they casually know how to travel through time, they just don’t do it. Nice hand-waving by the filmmakers.

29. Catherine Hicks has never been a star, but she’s been working steadily since 1978, and she does a nice job here. She assimilates to the 23rd century pretty danged easily, too. I wonder why they never brought her back, even for a cameo?

30. I don’t care too much about nit-picking time travel, but the crew sure doesn’t care about messing up the timeline, do they?

31. The crew gets to do things! Yay!

32. Wouldn’t jumping into Kirk’s “transporter space” kill both Kirk and Gillian? Doesn’t the transporter have to account for the atoms before it activates, and adding another human after it does this would just turn them into a mashed-together horror show?

33. Jane Wiedlin is briefly in this movie. Wiedlin is awesome, so good for her!

34. How did the whale song ever contact an alien intelligence light-years from earth? I mean, fine, the whales are smart and communicate with each other, but contacting aliens way out in space? Star Trek always treats space like a relatively small area, which is a bit vexing.

35. The whale hunters speak Finnish. What they’re doing in the north Pacific is a question best left unasked.

36. How does Sulu get access to the helicopter? I assume he steals it, but didn’t anyone notice?

37. I guess the success of this movie is what got Shatner onto Saturday Night Live, which is when we got the skit about Shatner at the convention yelling at the fans. My favorite, however, remains the skit where the Enterprise is turned into a restaurant. Khan the health inspector is awesome: “No sneeze guard on the salad barrrrrrr!!!!”

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989).

38. I mean, this isn’t that bad. It’s better than The Search for Spock, for instance.

39. Part of the problem is that the villain isn’t that impressive. I do like that they keep its true nature mysterious, but for something that gets mistaken for “God,” it’s kind of easy to defeat, isn’t it?

40. That’s not really the point of the movie, true, but still.

41. And the “Great Barrier” isn’t really that great, is it? They fly through it pretty easily. You’d think it would be a bit more difficult to pierce.

42. Sybok’s power is odd, too. Why would everyone suddenly become brainwashed just because they’re not in pain any longer? I mean, that’s great that he’s able to help them confront it, but is that enough to turn them into sheep?

43. David Warner doesn’t get to do much, unfortunately. His first name is “St. John,” however, which when I first encountered it in Jane Eyre, I pronounced it like a sane person, but my English teacher, when we discussed it, said we had to pronounce it like insane people, as in “Sin-jin.” Good job, crazy English people!

44. When did Uhura and Scotty become a couple?

45. Shatner apparently wanted to make the movie longer, but the studio shut him down. This is Shatner’s first movie as director, and you can kind of tell. It’s a messy, ramshackle movie, with not enough emphasis on some things and too much on others, and it leads to things not making sense like I noted above. The “hang-out” parts with Kirk, Spock, and Bones are fine, but they take away from the forward momentum of the plot, while Sybok’s anti-Vulcanism isn’t explored enough to make him a good foil for Spock. It’s frustrating, because there’s a better movie in here trying to get out, and a surer hand in the director’s chair (even someone like Nimoy, who’s not a great director but is better than Shatner) might have made it better.

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991).

46. This takes place, apparently, 20 years after the first Star Trek movie. Interesting.

47. Poor David Warner. After doing little in the fifth movie, he has a different role in this one, and gets killed pretty early on. Dude can’t catch a break!

48. I always liked Iman. She had that severe beauty that a lot of 1980s models had, and she deployed it well in small roles, like this one. I don’t know if she could have handled bigger roles, but in small ones, she was pretty good.

49. Kurtwood Smith as the Federation President looks ridiculous, especially if you think of him as the bad-ass from RoboCop or as Red from That ’70s Show.

50. Christopher Plummer has way too much fun with his role as General Chang. The constant Shakespeare quoting is a tad much, though, but he sells it hard.

51. I had forgotten that Christian Slater has a cameo in this movie. I do like how they kept his face in shadows. I also hadn’t realized that Michael Dorn is in this movie. Apparently he’s playing his “Next Generation” character’s grandfather.

52. Kirk really hates Klingons in this movie, and while they killed his son, so I get it, it seems to be a bit over-the-top. I mean, he knows the Klingons who killed his son were renegades, and it’s not like he hates humans because Khan tried to kill his son. I get that racism is illogical, but it still seems a bit off.

53. Whenever I see Kim Cattrall, you might expect me to think of Big Trouble in Little China. Well, sure, but I’m always reminded of Mannequin, even though I’ve never seen it. In 1987 I went to New York on a choir trip – my choir director got a story into a science fiction anthology and she took us to the book launch, and I met Orson Scott Card (who edited the book, and this was, of course, long before we found out he was a bit nuts) and Mark Hamill, who was there for some reason. We also saw a production of Little Shop of Horrors, which was a lot of fun, and the lead in the show talked to us afterward about his life in the theater. It seems he was in Mannequin, at the end, playing a janitor who finds Kim Cattrall’s mannequin body? I don’t know, I’ve never seen it, as I noted above. Anyway, so whenever I see Kim Cattrall, I’m reminded of the dude who played Seymour in Little Shop of Horrors.

54. Why didn’t Kirk’s jailers find the patch that Spock put on him? You’d think they would have been thoroughly searched. Speaking of which, man, Klingon justice is swift. The trial and imprisonment and escape of Kirk and Bones takes place in less than a week, if I’m keeping the timeline straight.

55. It seems like Uhura and Scotty aren’t a couple anymore, or they’re keeping things quiet. So sad.

56. I was prepared to call Star Trek I the best one, but now I’m not so sure. This is a terrific movie, full of allusions to the real world (the Klingons are obviously the tottering Soviet empire), solid performances, interesting villains, and good action. I think The Motion Picture is a better pure science fiction movie, but this is a better pure action movie. Splitting hairs, I know, but it’s my post, damn it!

Anyway, those are some random thoughts about the movies from someone who has never watched one minute of any of the Star Trek television shows (I mean, I’ve seen scenes from them, but I’ve never sat down and watched an episode). Any thoughts about my thoughts?