Pointless Fanboy Speculation: The Last Episode of Batman 1966

….or, at least, the one I wish it had gotten. Part one, with the explanation of how this came to be, is here. Part two begins now.

*

Fade in on Bruce Wayne, in the Bat-costume but UNMASKED, strapped to a cot in Dr. Hugo Strange’s laboratory. The lab is of course at the standard villain’s lair angle.

Narrator (v.o.): When last we saw the caped crusader…he had been captured–by the monster men of the diabolical Dr. Hugo Strange, who then unmasked Batman as millionaire Bruce Wayne!! Now, as he lies helpless in Strange’s laboratory, Strange is preparing to host a gathering of Gotham City’s worst criminals!

Cut to Hugo Strange, in top hat and tails, Magda at his side, smiling at the Joker, the Penguin, and Boss Thorne. By contrast, the villains are very much unsmiling and not happy as Strange and Magda escort them into a large conference room and gesture for them to sit down.

Narrator (v.o): What is Strange planning? And what does it mean for our hero? Things are looking very grim, indeed!

Fade out.

Main Title Credits roll.

Fade in on Strange, standing at the head of the conference table. He doffs his top hat and sweeps it in an all-inclusive gesture at the scowling villains.

Title: “Batman’s End…?”

Penguin: What kind of pusillanimous perfidy is this, Strange? What are they doing here?

Title: “Special Guest Villain
Telly Savalas as Dr. Hugo Strange”

Thorne: Yeah, Strange, nobody said anything about these other guys getting invited. I thought this was about real business, not costumed-clown stuff.

Title: “Extra Special Guest Villain
Cameron Mitchell as Boss Thorne”

Joker: Faugh! As if you know anything about real crime, you cheap hood! Your idea of a heist is knocking over a lemonade stand!

Title: “Catherine von Schell as Magda”

Strange: Gentlemen! Please, let us not quarrel!

Title: “Special appearance by Cesar Romero as the Joker”

Strange: The three of you, between you, control all crime in Gotham City! But there is one thing–one person, in particular–that keeps you from true supremacy!

Title: “Special appearance by Burgess Meredith as the Penguin”

Strange: Batman! He constantly interferes with your business, disrupts your plans, makes your lives difficult a hundred different ways. (pause) What is it worth to you to be rid of the caped crusader–forever?

Cut to the villains reacting. They are skeptical.

Penguin: Bloviation and braggadocio, that’s all this is. *waugh waugh* What makes you think you can succeed where so many others have failed?

Strange: Because I already have!

He pulls out Batman’s cowl and throws it on the table.

Gasps and shock from the villains.

Joker: That looks like the real thing! How could you have managed such a feat–when we, with all our resources, our criminal genius, could not?

Strange: That’s my secret, and it’s not relevant. I have him. Helpless. Unmasked. I am offering him to the highest bidder. The auction is tomorrow night. Here. At midnight. (pause) The opening bid is one million.

Thorne: One million dollars–!

Strange smiles, pleased at the consternation he has caused.

Strange: Cheap at the price, is it not? To have the famous caped crusader helpless and at your mercy?

Penguin: *waugh* Any price would be worth that.

Thorne: If you ain’t lyin’….okay. But if you are–

Strange: It will cost you at least a million to find out, gentlemen. Tomorrow night at midnight!–Magda, please see our guests out.

Magda rises and gestures at the villains to follow. They do, muttering and scowling. After a moment she is back.

Magda: Why the wait, Doctor?

Strange: I need a day to secure Wayne’s millions. I’m happy to sell them Wayne–but his money is for us! And we need to insure there will be no interference from the boy wonder or the police. Come, let us check on our guest.

Cut to the laboratory, with Bruce still on the cot. Strange and Magda enter. Strange is chuckling and expansive.

Strange: Mr Wayne! No ill effects from the gas, I trust. You’ll be pleased to hear, I’m sure, that you are a very popular auction item. I suspect the bidding will be fierce indeed.

Bruce: You haven’t won yet, Strange. I’ve trained my whole life to oppose criminals like you.

Strange smirks. He waves a hand at the prone hero.

Strange: And the training has clearly served you well! (pauses, dangles utility belt) Training and equipment! Your belt is truly impressive. I wonder what the board of the Wayne Foundation would think if they knew how much money was diverted to supplying weapons to the dynamic duo.

Bruce: The board is composed of public-minded citizens. They would consider it money well spent. (pause) Whatever your vile scheme might be–know this. I WILL stop you.

Strange (raises eyebrow): From your current position? I think not, Wayne.

Bruce: I’m not alone. There’s Robin…Batgirl…Commissioner Gordon and his men… between all of us, justice will prevail.

Strange: Ah, yes. A teenaged boy, a redheaded dilletante, and a police commissioner who’s compelled to go crying to his vigilante friend when faced with anything more challenging than a jaywalker. (snorts) I’m quaking with terror.

Bruce: Mocking me doesn’t change the facts. My years of experience fighting criminals have taught me that in the end… no matter how diabolically brilliant you might be… men like you will always lose.

Strange is amused.

Strange: Such nobility. Such public spirit. You are a change from our usual millionaire victims. Usually they’re trying to bribe me at this point. Anything to avoid the monster men.

Bruce: Where did you find those creatures?

Strange: I didn’t find them. I created them. You came here to rescue my high society captives from the monsters… but they are the monsters.

Strange whistles, as one would for a dog. A monster shambles into the lab, misshapen and mindless. Weirdly, it has a walrus mustache.

Strange: Behold Samuel Marston, shipping magnate, after a single session under the monster ray.

Bruce: You fiend… what have you done?

Strange: Nothing irreversible. Not yet. Marston can be cured. For a price. He’ll pay. They all do. (pause) But you, Wayne… with your idealistic integrity, you’ll never pay ransom, not even for your own humanity. I’ll have to get at your assets a different way.

Bruce: The Wayne fortune is protected. There are safeguards, banking protocols…

Strange: Oh, I’m sure. But Bruce Wayne put those protections in place. He can remove them. Thanks to my super computerized mask maker, he’ll be doing that very shortly.

He points to a silver box on the lab table, helpfully labeled SUPER COMPUTERIZED MASK MAKER. A door slides open and a perfect rubber mask of Bruce’s face appears.

Strange picks it up and, his back to us, puts it on. Then he turns to face Bruce.

The illusion is perfect. Bruce Wayne is looking at… himself.

Strange-as-Bruce: Come, Magda! We have an appointment… at stately Wayne Manor!

Narrator (v.o.): And soon, at stately Wayne Manor…

Dick and Alfred are very worried.

Dick: Holy vanishing act! He didn’t come home at all?

Alfred: Not at all, Master Dick. And when I telephoned the Graytowers clinic they assured me he left about an hour after we arrived. There has been no response from the belt radio, either. I’m frankly very concerned.

Then Strange, disguised as Bruce, enters.

Strange-as-Bruce: Nothing to be concerned about. Important Foundation business kept me out late, that’s all. Which reminds me, I’m going to need all the paperwork listing the Foundation properties and assets. We’re making some changes.

Alfred: Changes, sir?

Strange-as-Bruce: Yes, I’m dissolving the Foundation. Cashing out.

Dick: Cashing out??

Strange-as-Bruce: Yes, I stand to close the biggest deal of my life if I can raise the money in time.

Alfred: But, Master Bruce, is that wise? It seems rather drastic–

Strange-as-Bruce: Look, when I want advice from the help, I’ll ask for it. Just bring me what I need, please.

Dick: The HELP?!

Alfred is visibly miffed.

Alfred: Very good, sir.

He exits.

Dick: Holy bad manners, Bruce! How can you talk to Alfred like that?

Strange-as-Bruce: He’s an employee. He needs to remember his place. So do you, kid.

Dick scowls. This is very wrong.

Dick (slyly): How are you feeling, Bruce? I hope it wasn’t a concussion like we thought…

Strange-as-Bruce: No, no. False alarm. I’m fine.

Dick: Holy imposter! You aren’t Bruce! What have you done with him?

Strange is visibly irritated.

Strange-as-Bruce: …of course. The boy wonder. Foolish of me not to have realized it sooner.

He produces a pistol and aims it at Dick–but Dick is ready! He kicks the gun out of Strange’s hand and delivers a smashing right cross to the face. Fisticuffs ensue.

Alfred re-enters, holding a sheaf of documents.

Alfred: Oh, dear.

Dick: It’s not Bruce, Alfred! He’s a phony!

Alfred nods, scoops up a fireplace poker, and prepares to enter the fray. Then Aunt Harriet enters, as Strange and Dick are still trading punches.

Aunt Harriet: What is that terrible racket—oh, my goodness! What are you boys doing? I warned you about dangerous hobbies–

Strange ducks another swing and dives behind the couch. The kid is beating him and it is embarrassing.

Strange-as-Bruce: This is ridiculous. (speaks into wristwatch) Magda. They’re being difficult. Bring in the monster men.

Magda and three of the hulking monsters enter. Aunt Harriet takes one look and faints dead away. Fortunately Alfred is close enough to catch her.

Strange-as-Bruce: Magda, take those two out to the van, we’ll deal with them later. (points at Dick) You three! Get the boy!

Monster men, growling, advance on Dick. He’s frozen with indecision.

Alfred: Run, Master Dick!

Dick: But–Aunt Harriet–

Alfred: I will look after Mrs. Cooper. Run, lad!

Dick nods, runs into the study, locks the door. As the monster men pound on the door, he flips back the Shakespeare bust and activates the secret entrance to the Batpoles.

Dick leaps forward and slides, the bookcase closing behind him just as the monsters break through. Strange is following close behind. He snarls with exasperated frustration.

Strange-as-Bruce: I refuse to be outfoxed by a high school kid. (to monsters) He must have gone out that way! Search the grounds!

The monster men obediently exit through the French doors. Then the Bat-phone begins to flash.

Suddenly Strange is cheerful again.

Strange-as-Bruce: The famous hot line! This will be entertaining.

He picks it up.

Strange-as-Bruce: Hello?

Cut to Commissioner Gordon in his office.

Gordon: Batman! I thought you’d better know–the Joker and his gang have been seen–

Cut back to Strange in the study.

Strange-as-Bruce: I don’t care!

Cut back to Gordon. He is utterly dumbfounded.

Gordon: What?!?

Back to Strange in the study.

Strange-as-Bruce: I said I don’t care, you doddering incompetent! Handle it yourself! I’m tired of being your errand boy!

He slams the phone back into its cradle.

Cut to Gordon in his office, staring in horror at O’Hara.

Gordon (disbelieving): He hung up!

O’Hara: What?

Gordon: He’s not coming. (pause) Angels and ministers of grace defend us, Chief, we’re on our own.

Cut back to the exterior of stately Wayne Manor. As Magda is herding Alfred, carrying an unconscious Aunt Harriet, into the van, he surreptitiously flips open his belt buckle to reveal a red button and the label EMERGENCY ALFRED LOCATOR BAT-BEACON. He presses the button and it glows red and beeps.

Strange enters the van and peels off his mask.

Strange: Enough. Let’s go. Swing around back to pick up the monster men.

Magda: But…the boy?

Strange: Forget him. He’s no threat. (chuckles) We’re fourteen miles from the city and I’m certain he’s too young to drive. What’s he going to do? Hitchhike?

Cut to Robin in the Batcave. A beeping sound suddenly comes from the Batcomputer.

Robin: The locator beacon! Good job Alfred! Holy quick thinking! Now I can follow….

He looks over at the Batmobile and his face falls.

Robin: ….that is…if I had a full driver’s license and not just a learner’s permit. It’s still illegal for me to drive solo!

He smacks his fist into his palm, helpless and frustrated.

Robin: Holy roadblock!

Narrator (v.o.): Don’t lose hope, boy wonder! Because you aren’t the only Gotham crimefighter aware of Alfred’s dilemma! Barbara Gordon has also been alerted!

Cut to Barbara in her secret Batgirl dressing room.

On a table is a little gold compact, beeping. The inside of the lid reads EMERGENCY ALFRED LOCATOR BAT-BEACON.

Cut to Robin, pacing in the Batcave and continuing to check the locator beacon. Suddenly the Batphone beeps. Robin snatches it up.

Robin: Yes, commissioner?

Cut to Batgirl in Gordon’s office.

Batgirl: Robin? It’s Batgirl. Is Batman there?

Cut back to Robin in the cave.

Robin: Uh…not at the moment. Why? What’s going on?

Back to Batgirl.

Batgirl: I’m not sure. But I have reason to believe that millionaire Bruce Wayne’s butler, Alfred, is in great danger! I came to police headquarters to report it–and the place is in an uproar! The commissioner’s in an emergency meeting with all the precinct chiefs! They seem to think Batman’s quit!

Back to Robin in the cave.

Robin: Holy rumormongering!–um, I know that’s not true, Batgirl. But I think he might need our help! (pause) Look, can you meet me at, uh, stately Wayne Manor? We might be able to pick up a clue as to who’s got Alfred, at lest.

Back to Batgirl.

Batgirl: On my way!

She hangs up and runs to the door.

in the Batcave, Robin runs to the Batpoles and hits the COMPRESSED STEAM BATPOLE LIFT switch, remembering at the last moment to also press the NO COSTUME CHANGE button.

Cut to Graytowers, where Strange and Magda are just arriving.

Strange: Magda, put these two (points at Alfred and the still-unconscious Aunt Harriet) in the cell with our other guest. I’ll be up shortly.

Magda: Yes, Doctor. (to Alfred) You heard him. With me, please.

Alfred, his face a mask of suppressed British fury, follows, still carrying Aunt Harriet.

Strange, once again good-humored, climbs out of the van and circles to the rear of the vehicle to let out the three monster men.

A voice comes from the alley.

Thorne (o.s.): Not so fast, four-eyes.

Thorne and three men with tommy guns step out of the shadows.

Thorne: I got a new deal for you. No million. Instead, you take me to where you got the Bat guy stashed, and I don’t kill you.

Strange: Ah, someone who doesn’t wish to play by the rules. Such a pity. (opens van doors) Monsters–attack!

The monster men come piling out of the van. The hoods are a little taken aback, but only a little– this IS Gotham City, after all. They open fire. The monsters stagger…and go down.

Now it’s Strange who is a little taken aback.

Strange: They should have withstood…

Thorne: Yeah, well, you know the difference between guys like you and guys like me? For me it’s business. I don’t mess with no costumes or weird science. Guns work just fine.

Cut to Batgirl on the Batgirlcycle, Robin riding pillion. She glances down at the blinking gold compact in her hand.

Batgirl: Not much further, boy wonder!

Robin: It sure is lucky Alfred gave you that homing beacon!

Batgirl: Yes, lucky.

Cut to the interior of Bruce’s cell. He’s still strapped to the cot, in the Batsuit, but unmasked. The door opens and Alfred and Aunt Harriet are shoved in. Aunt Harriet is still unconscious.

Bruce: Alfred! Aunt Harriet! What has that fiend Strange done to…?

Alfred: We are uninjured, Master Bruce, though the stress was a bit much for poor Mrs. Cooper. But you? Are you all right, sir?

Bruce: Well enough. Strange has his own odd sense of ethics–he even patched up my wound. But, old friend, I confess that of all the dire predicaments we’ve faced–this is the direst it’s ever been.

Alfred: Master Robin is doubtless on his way. He is a most resourceful young lad, and you taught him well. We must not lose hope, sir.

Narrator (v.o.): Right you are, Alfred! For, behind Graytowers…

Robin and Batgirl are doing a Bat-climb up the side of the building.

Robin: You’re doing very well on your first bat-climb, Batgirl. Just be sure to keep both hands on the bat-rope!

Batgirl: Oh, absolutely. Safety first.

Cut to Strange’s lab. Magda is puttering around with equipment when the entrance flies open and Strange is shoved rudely in, followed by Thorne and his hoods.

Thorne: Well?

Strange: Patience, Thorne. (to Magda, nodding at equipment array) Arrange for our friends to be brought up.

Magdo nods, and out of Thorne’s view, adjusts a dial. It reads–MILDLY MONSTROUS, FULL GARGOYLE, MINDLESS MONSTER (IRREVERSIBLE). She turns it all the way to the final, irreversible setting and quietly aims it at Thorne and his men.

Strange: All right, Thorne. Now we’ll see…

Thorne: We’ll see the Bat crew is what we’ll see! I’m outta patience!

The window shatters. Batgirl and Robin leap in.

Robin: We’re right here!

Strange: Monster Men! Attack!

For a moment Thorne’s hoods are confused, which is plenty of time for Robin and Batgirl to take them out and toss their guns out the broken window. Fisticuffs ensue.

Magda is trying to get a bead on someone with the monster ray. A thug goes hurtling into her and knocks her back, spinning the ray around. It thrums to life.

Magda: No–not MEEEE…

Strange is stricken.

Strange: Magda! No! (then, with renewed fury) Monsters! Destroy them all! No one leaves here alive!

Thorne: Guys! Scram! The Bat ain’t here! Not with these two tearing up the joint! He’s probably right behind ’em! Get out now!

They exit, leaving Robin and Batgirl to face the horde alone.

Alfred has been watching all this through the small slit in the cell door just off the laboratory.

Alfred: Master Robin! Here!

Robin whirls and sees Alfred.

Robin: Alfred! Holy relief!

Alfred: We’re locked in, Master Robin, but if you can get the door open, this may provide refuge–

Robin bounds over to the cell door, unlocks it, motions Batgirl to join him. They slam the cell door shut behind them, panting.

Batgirl: That should buy us a couple of minutes–wait, is that Batman!?

Bruce is, of course, still in the Batsuit, but unmasked. Alfred moves to try and block her view, but then Bruce steps forward.

Bruce (resigned; making the best of it): …Yes. Yes, it is, Batgirl.

Batgirl: Bruce Wayne is Batman!

Bruce: I hope we can rely on your discretion.

The monsters continue to pound on the door.

Batgirl: Of course, but what about those things out there?

Bruce: The only weapon we have that seems to work is Bat-gas. Robin? Have you got canisters in your utility belt?

Robin: Just two, like always.

Bruce: Not enough, confound it. In that wide open space….we’ll have to herd them. Get them into as small an area as possible. It will take every iota of our fighting skill! Robin, give Batgirl the gas. Robin, Alfred, you flank me and we’ll drive them into the corner. No quarter! Above all we must keep them away from this room and Aunt Harriet.

The others nod grimly.

Batgirl: We’re with you–Batman.

Bruce: All right. One–two–three–go!

The four burst out into the main laboratory.

What follows is the single greatest Batfight in the show’s history. All the stops out. Joyous, nihilistic mayhem.

Swinging from ceiling fixtures, double-punches to the face, every great Batfight moment ever…all in this single melee. Even Alfred is getting his licks in, in his Queensberry way. And at the center of it all is Bruce, still unmasked, but there is no doubt that he’s Batman now. He’s a living buzzsaw. Slowly they press the monsters back.

Bruce: Batgirl! Now! Use the gas!

Batgirl does one of her fancy balletic vaults over Bruce’s shoulders and lets fly with the Bat-gas capsules. In an explosion of lime and purple smoke, the monsters go down.

Bruce straightens and turns to face Strange.

Bruce: And now it’s your turn, doctor.

Strange: You may have won…but it’s no victory. I’ll tell the world who you really are.

Bruce: All crimefighters know this career comes with sacrifice. If ending your criminal schemes means the end of Batman as well–it’s a price I will gladly pay.

His resolve is palpable. Strange can’t quite believe it.

Strange: You really would do it… unbelievable.

He suddenly leaps for the shattered window. In a moment he’s out on the ledge. Bruce is after him in seconds.

Bruce: Strange! Take my hand! There’s nowhere to go!

Strange: It’s true. You’ve taken it all. Even my beloved Magda–

Bruce: Strange! Don’t be a fool!

Strange: I WON’T BE CAGED!

Bruce reaches for him. Strange twists away, loses his balance and falls.

Bruce shakes his head, re-enters the lab.

Bruce: Such a waste. A mind so brilliant, and yet so twisted.

He faces the others.

Bruce: We’ll have to get after Thorne and his men. Batgirl… we have no choice but to trust in your integrity as a crimefighter. Now that you know my secret–

Batgirl: Integrity is a two-way street, Batman.

She reaches up and removes her cowl.

Barbara: If I know your secret, it’s only fair that you know mine.

Robin: Holy plot twist! Barbara Gordon is Batgirl?

Robin whirls on Alfred.

Robin: Hey–you knew! Already! It’s why you gave her a beacon!

Alfred’s nod is a little sheepish.

Alfred: I have guarded her secrets, Master Robin, as I have guarded yours. (pause) It is something of a relief to have us all on the same page at last, as it were.

Robin: Holy double burden!

Batgirl replaces her cowl.

Batgirl: If we’re to be getting after Thorne, Mr. Wayne, aren’t you a little under-dressed….?

Bruce: Yes, of course. Strange had my cowl and utility belt somewhere–

Batgirl: I still can’t quite believe it. Bruce Wayne is Batman. Who’d ever have thought…

Aunt Harriet (o.s.): Bruce Wayne…is Batman?!?

Cut to Aunt Harriet, finally awake, staring at them, from the door to the cell.

Aunt Harriet: How–I can’t….uh….

She collapses, sliding down the doorjamb. Instantly Bruce and Alfred are at her side.

Bruce: Her heart–

Alfred: Her pills are back at the manor– I’ll summon an ambulance.

Bruce: With all haste, Alfred!

Alfred gets up and runs to find a phone. Bruce turns to Robin and Batgirl.

Bruce: Get after Thorne, you two. I’ll see Aunt Harriet gets to the hospital.

Robin: But–Bruce–

Bruce: We still have our duty, Robin.

Robin: Gosh yes…but…

Batgirl puts a hand on his shoulder.

Batgirl: Come on, boy wonder. She’s in the best hands in Gotham. Let’s go.

They exit, just as Alfred returns, holding the cowl and belt.

Alfred: Your accoutrements, Master Bruce. And the ambulance is on the way.

Bruce: Thank you, Alfred.

Donning the cowl and buckling the utility belt on, he is Batman once again.

Narrator (v.o.): Batman is restored to us at last! But is it too late for Aunt Harriet?

Fade to black, as sirens wail.

Fade in on Gotham hospital corridor.Bruce and Dick are pacing. Alfred is standing to one side. A nurse approaches.

Nurse: Call for you, Mr. Wayne. You can take it here. (indicates wall phone)

Bruce nods, moves to the phone.

Bruce: Yes?

Batgirl (v.o.): I just thought you’d like to know that Daddy is booking Thorne and his goons as we speak.

Bruce: Excellent. Well done, Miss Gordon.

Batgirl (v.o.): Robin probably told you there wasn’t much fight left in them. (pause) How’s Mrs. Cooper?

Bruce: Doctors are with her now. (pause; uncharacteristically vulnerable) If we lose that noble woman because of me–it will be Batman’s greatest failure.

Batgirl (v.o.): You mustn’t think that way, Mr. Wayne. She has the best doctors…

A doctor emerges from Aunt Harriet’s hospital room.

Bruce: I have to go. (to doctor) How is she, doctor?

Doctor: She’s very weak. At her age—we’re doing all we can. Uh…she’s asking for you. And her nephew.

Bruce nods, motions for Dick to follow him. They enter Aunt Harriet’s room, the doctor closing the door behind them.

Bruce looks haggard, almost destroyed.

Bruce: Aunt Harriet–I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.

Harriet sits up a little, her eyes flashing with anger.

Aunt Harriet: Bruce WAYNE! You hush up with that kind of defeatist talk! (pause) You could have told me.

Dick: Gosh, Aunt Harriet–we were trying to PROTECT you!

Bruce: Yes. Batman has many enemies, and we…

Harriet: You told Alfred! He’s no spring chicken either! (pause) Never mind. What’s done is done. (to Dick) You silly goose. I’m your Aunt Harriet! I’m supposed to take care of you. And I always will. You two–you take care of Gotham City. Now come give me a hug. You too, Bruce.

They both move to her side. Obediently hugging.

Aunt Harriet: My brave, brave boys. You make me so proud.

Suddenly the bedside monitor goes flatline! The long beep meaning the heart has stopped!

A crew of doctors and nurses burst in.

Doctor: She’s crashing! Code blue!

They huddle over Harriet for a minute or so. Then the doctor turns to Bruce and Dick.

Doctor: I’m sorry. She’s gone.

Fade to black.

Fade in on the study at stately Wayne Manor. Alfred is dusting. Dick is doing homework. Bruce is brooding by the mantel.

Narrator (v.o.) A week later, the mood is somber at stately Wayne Manor!

Dick: It’s no use, Bruce! I can’t concentrate on algebra!

Bruce visibly gathers himself. He’s devastated too, but is keeping it together for Dick.

Bruce: Now, Dick! What would Aunt Harriet think of that kind of talk?

Dick: I know, Bruce, but–hey! The Bat-phone!

They race to the desk where the red phone is beeping. Bruce picks it up.

Bruce: Yes commissioner?

Cut to Commissioner Gordon, looking very nervous.

Gordon: I’m sorry to bother you after our last conversation, Batman, but I…

Back to Bruce and Dick.

Bruce: No bother, Commissioner. Suffice it to say we were both victims of a dastardly criminal hoax. What can we do for you?

Back to Gordon. O’Hara hands him a bright green sheet of paper.

Gordon: We just received a note. Addressed to you. It says, “Dear Batman: Why is a raven like a writing desk?”

Back to Bruce.

Dick: The Riddler!

Bruce: We’re on our way. Commissioner.

Dick flips open the Shakespeare bust.

Dick: To the Batpoles?

Bruce: Not just yet, chum. One call to make first. (picks up civilian phone and dials) Miss Gordon?

Cut to Barbara at the Gotham library.

Barbara: Why, Mr. Wayne! Good to hear from you.

Back to Bruce.

Bruce: I’m afraid it’s business, Miss Gordon. Your father just received a riddle. Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Back to Barbara.

Barbara: Alice’s unsolvable riddle! Well, I guess we know who sent THAT. I’ll see you at headquarters. (pause) You know, now that we’re…partners, as it were…when are you going to start calling me Barbara?

Back to Bruce.

Bruce: One day, perhaps, Miss Gordon. (hangs up.) Now, chum–to the Batpoles!

Dick hits the button and they go through the secret exit.

Cut to the Batcave. Batman and Robin come bounding down to the Batmobile. As they buckle up, Batman hesitates a moment.

Batman: For Aunt Harriet.

Robin: Gosh yes. (takes a deep breath) Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed!

Batman: Roger. Ready to move out.

And the Batmobile roars out of the cave on another adventure.

Title: “Never the end!”

END CREDITS ROLL

*

And there you go. If you made it this far, thank you for indulging my fanfic impulse. Thanks especially to Jim MacQuarrie, who gave us Telly Savalas as Hugo Strange, and to Tim Grayson, who very kindly let me use his unmasked-Batgirl image. Check out his stuff here.

Hope everyone had as much fun as I did. Happy to take any questions in the comments. Back soon with something cool, I hope.