Let’s go ALL IN with DC … Week 28!

Only one issue this week, but it’s … well, it’s something, all right!

Summer of Superman Special by Mark Waid, Dan Slott, Joshua Williamson, Jorge Jiménez, Belén Ortega, Dan More, and Dave Sharpe. $5.99, 36 pgs.

Ok, so I get that this is a “laying the foundation” issue, much like our friend the ALL IN Special from back in October. That’s cool and all, and having three writers means that you kind of have to hew to the company line, but man, is this thing dull. I like Waid, Slott, and Williamson, but did they get together with editors Jillian Grant and Paul Kaminski and said, “You know what? Wouldn’t it be fun to cram as many motherfucking clichés as we can into this comic?” and the editors looked at each other and said, “Hells yeah! Just fucking go for it!” This is a fairly standard story of Validus, who was created in 1967 but I’ve never heard of because I don’t read the Legion of Super-Heroes enough to have come across him, blipping in and out of existence in Smallville at different times in Superman’s life – when he’s a 16-year-old and when he’s an adult (I guess it’s canon now that Clark Kent is 36 years old?) – and rampaging around while our hero tries to talk him down and gets sucked into some kind of vortex where he sees glimpses of what I assume are upcoming story arcs in this so-called “Summer of Superman.” It’s all good. In the Superboy section, Clark is trying to tell Lana Lang how much he digs her (and he’s going to tell her who he really is), but he catches a look at his future family and realizes he doesn’t get with Lana, so he doesn’t tell her. In the present, Lana is marrying John Henry Irons, and Validus shows up again, but all’s well that ends well and the wedding goes forward. Finally, in the epilogue, we find out that Booster Gold, who was trapped in Darkseid’s universe in that ALL IN Special, was trying to warn Superman about what’s coming. Oh dear. That can’t be good.

So, all in all, it’s fine from a plot standpoint. That’s what these things are designed to do, of course – set things up and put a grand plot in motion. I don’t know how much we’ve seen of Booster since October (or if we’ve seen him at all), but we all knew that was a dangling plot thread deliberately left there for DC’s next big event, during which they’re probably have the “regular” DCU cross over with the “Absolute” one, because of course they fucking will. I don’t know how long the Lang-Irons romance has been going on, but good for them for getting married. Jiménez, as usual, does solid work on the art. He has sort of a “thinner line Riley Rossmo” vibe going on, his Lana is cute as a goddamned button, his Superboy is actually a lot neater than his Superman, as Superboy isn’t jacked like Superman is (as has been pointed out before, Superman doesn’t need to be jacked because his strength doesn’t necessarily come from his muscles), and his action scenes flow well. It’s a nice-looking comic.

But … dang, it’s a slog. It’s 36 pages of the most cliché-ridden, painful writing you’re ever going to see, and it might make you slip into a diabetic coma with how saccharine it is and it might make you want to vote Republican with how “woke” it is. Let’s break it down:

Page 1: Clark Kent is so nervous about wanting to bone Lana that he can’t speak straight. I mean, sure, but it’s still a dumb trope.
Pages 1-2: Lana Lang volunteers at the VA and writes postcards to overseas service members; delivers food to and runs errands for the elderly; and supervises bake sales and teaches Sunday School for the local religious cult, because she can’t be anything but perfect for our Clark.
Page 3: Clark feigns stomach distress so he can go check out Validus. Yes, that’s a staple of superhero fiction and I shouldn’t worry about it, but it’s still a cliché.
Page 9: Clark sees his future self macking on Lois, which upsets him because she’s not Lana. Of course, the Legion has made sure he won’t remember it, but the idea that the only girl he’s ever known in any capacity will be his life-long mate is a fun cliché.
Pages 11-12: Clark doesn’t tell Lana that he’s Superboy because of a gut feeling about his future, and they never have a relationship. But they’re best buds, so that’s all right!
Page 13: Jonathan Kent’s knee hurts him, so he knows there’s a storm coming, even though the Daily Planet weather page says there’s only a slight chance and it’s many counties away (why is a Metropolis newspaper giving the weather for a small town in Kansas?). This is fine, because barometric pressure does affect the body, but then, Slott (who wrote this section) has him say, “I trust my knee more than your fancy meteorologist.” Jeebus, Slott, layer it on a bit thick, why don’t you?
Pages 13-14: Lana wants to postpone the wedding for some reason, and John says he can fix the “problem,” and Clark says that he’s “spiraling”? Why him? He doesn’t want to postpone the wedding! Then, Clark talks to Lana, who says that whenever something important is about to happen, something bad happens, but John is still “the one.” So why does she want to postpone things? What can he “figure out”? This entire conversation makes no sense, except to make us chuckle when Validus reappears at that very fucking moment.
Page 15: As Validus appears, the storm brews up. Clark narrates: “We are seconds away from the storm of the century!” I thought journalists were supposed to steer clear of hyperbole? The storm of the century, Clark? Really? Of the century? As it turns out, even before the super-people use their powers to thwart the storm, it’s looking like just another day in Kansas, with a few wimpy-looking tornadoes. But … storm of the century. Sure.
Pages 15-16: Lana, John, Natasha, Lois, and Clark fight Validus and the storm. Sheesh. You know this gives me an excuse to post one of my favorite gifs:

Page 22: Hey, remember that storm that just blew up? It has nothing to do with Validus, apparently. No, according to ace meteorologist Superman, “None of this was Validus’s fault. Much like the people of Krypton, the planet of my birth … we did this, Nat. All of us, with all of the choices we make everyday. The good news is … if we try our best, make sensible changes … and start listening to the scientists … we can still save this planet.” Um … what? So there weren’t any tornadoes in Kansas prior to the arrival of humans? I mean, it might be the autumn when Lana and John are getting married, given the leaves on the trees, and “tornado season” in Kansas is in the spring and early summer, but they do still occur in September and October, so it’s not completely unprecedented. And where is Clark getting his information? How does he know the storm wasn’t connected to Validus? He doesn’t know anything about why Validus is appearing or that vortex from which he’s appearing, yet he just spouts off about climate change. Listen, he’s not wrong – we are wrecking this place, and we could do something about it – but I get why crazy evil people say pop culture is too “woke” sometimes when this shows up in the story, completely out-of-context. It’s weird.
Page 24: Clark briefly “interviews” John in front of many townspeople, who still haven’t deduced that Clark and Lois and Lana and John and Natasha are somehow connected to Superman and Superwoman and … Lana (does she have a superhero name?) and Steel and Chick Steel, about what John is planning to do in Smallville. His company, Steelworks (hey, that’s what that superhero is called …) are going to foot the bill for Smallville’s reconstruction, and … oh, Jeebus, the mawkishness on display:

As usual, we get the “country is better than the city” cliché that Jason Aaron – who’s not alone, obviously – loves so much, even though it’s generally bullshit. Does John Henry Irons really want to move to a place that voted overwhelmingly for the Insane Orange Baboon? I mean, that seems a bit foolish on his part. “Don’t forget its most valuable resource: its people,” says Clark, to which John should have said, “Yeah, those salt-of-the-earth people who want to erase the contributions of people who look like me from American history. I hope tornadoes kill you all, suckers – I’m staying in a place where you can get some decent kombucha!” Anyway, they get married (after Lana tells Clark that he said John was “the one” during their earlier conversation, when the words clearly came out of her mouth), and Bob’s your uncle. But not before, on page 27, we get some more of this kind of shit:

The rest of the book is plot, as they try to bring Validus back and find out what’s going on, but we do get a little bit more on page 33, when Clark narrates that the summers in Smallville taught him a few things, including: “… the summers would always end. The fall season would come no matter how much I wished it wouldn’t. But it’s who we love here and now that gives today meaning …” Oh, gag me with a spoon, Clark. Really? You had to grow up in Kansas to notice the passing of the seasons and the fact that time moves forward? Wow, you certainly couldn’t have learned that in one of your hedonistic and depraved cities! Williamson wrote this section, so, obviously, all three writers were riding the cliché train for this comic!

Ok, yes, I know I went into this a bit too much and I’m being unnecessarily jerky. It’s just … this kind of thing is annoying, because it’s so lazy. The plot of this book, as I noted, is fine. Waid, Slott, and Williamson have a job to do, and they do it perfectly well. But, come on, dropping a climate change plot point in there for no reason? What possible good can it do? Making Lana this perfect teenager who never does anything even remotely off-book? What a strange thing. I mean, Clark is as close to human as possible for an alien, and you’re telling me that a 16-year-old boy might wonder, just a little, that maybe Lana won’t bang him because she’s too perfect? I don’t necessarily want that in my Superman comics (and DC certainly won’t allow it), but this Mayberry shit from two kids who are living, if Waid is to be believed, in the early 2000s is just a bit goofy. And, as you know, I’m tired of these writers claiming that country folk are so much better than city folk when I doubt if many of them live anywhere near the country folk they’re writing about would be horrified if they had to. I know that when these people write about superheroes in the city, they make city folk better than they often are, but it feels like with the city folk, it’s an anomaly that they’re nice, while with country folk, it’s an anomaly when they’re not. It’s just dumb.

I know I’ve gone on too long about a fairly innocuous comic. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m jazzed about the blog returning to a semblance of normal. Maybe I’m just sick of lazy, uninspired writing from people who know how to do it better. I dunno. This special is fine, I suppose. It does well to lay the groundwork, which is what it’s supposed to do. Maybe you can just skip over the lousy writing and go ALL IN with the Summer of Superman Special!

Rating: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

One totally Airwolf panel:

I’ll try to be less cynical next time, but you know me! Have a nice day, everyone!