Celebrating the Unpopular Arts
 

Sports wrap-up – 28 September 2022

Men (mostly men, because it’s so manly) got together this weekend and played with a ball. I watched some of those playings. Here are some thoughts about them!

Item! In the game played with small, hard balls, Aaron Judge is still sitting at 60 home runs on the season, and I am so here for him staying there, because it would be hilarious. I hate the Yankees with a passion, so anything “bad” happening to them – and Judge not getting to 61+ home runs counts, even though he would still have a spectacular season if he didn’t – counts. I do love all these mouth-breathing sportswriters who are trying to make the case that if Judge were to hit 62 home runs, he should get credit for the “real” seasonal record, because Barry Bonds’s 73 home runs is tainted. These are the same mouth-breathing sportswriters who couldn’t wait to breathlessly fellate Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Bonds when they were hitting ‘roided-up (allegedly!!!!) homers in the late 1990s and early 2000s. Screw you, pundits. You didn’t call bullshit then, so you can’t call bullshit now. I loathe Barry Bonds and think his records should be stripped from him, but according the baseball, he holds the single-season and all-time home run records. Judge being “clean” (and who the hell knows if he is?) doesn’t change that. Also, give it a rest with people claiming Judge is having the best season ever. Go read Bill Jenkinson’s book The Year Babe Ruth Hit 104 Home Runs if you want to appreciate how much better Ruth was than pretty much anyone who’s ever played the game.

Item! Now, onto the game played with oblong balls, the game played by manly men the world over!!!! College football was weird, as it always seems to be early in the season. Penn State fans are gnashing their teeth and rending their garments because the Nittany Lions beat a not-bad Central Michigan team … by 19 points. And gave up no points in the second half. I mean, yes, they kind of played on autopilot after their big win at Auburn last week, but that happens. The #1 team in the country had given up 10 points total in 3 games, played a worse team, and gave up 22 points and only won by 17. It happens. Also, several highly-ranked teams lost to teams that were punching well above their weight class, so the fact that Penn State won comfortably – even if by not as much as some wanted – shouldn’t be discounted. Also CMU scored one of their touchdowns on this fun play, so that was nifty.

Michigan beat Maryland, but it was closer than expected, but if you’re Maryland, you can’t do stuff like this on the road against a better team and expect to win:

That was, I should point out, on the opening kickoff. Not a good way to start.

Oklahoma, ranked #6, went down to Kansas State, which isn’t quite as surprising as you might think. K-State plays the Sooners well, especially in Norman, and they have a good quarterback in Adrian Martinez, who transferred from Nebraska, where he was being woefully misused. I’ve always liked Kansas State and do not like Oklahoma, so this made me happy.

USC needed a late touchdown to beat Oregon State in Corvallis. USC is a bit overrated at #7, but they’re still very talented, but just like K-State, OSU always seems to give the Trojans problems, especially at home. I still think USC is going to get beaten down at some point, but they escaped the wilds of central Oregon, so good for them!

#10 Arkansas lost to #23 Texas A&M when, well, this happened:

It’s not the best camera work, but the ball hit the top of the upright and bounced away. That’s some good ball placement! Um, even though it didn’t count.

I’ve never had a big problem with Tennessee, so I don’t mind that they’re “back,” but I do dislike Florida, so the fact that the Volunteers stomped on the Gators a little bit, 38-33 (Florida scored a desperation touchdown late to make the game closer) is not a bad thing at all.

I dislike Texas quite a bit, so the fact that they got ranked after losing to Alabama a few weeks ago made me grumpy, but the fact that they lost a two-touchdown lead to Texas Tech and lost this past weekend made me happy. Fuck Texas. They lost partly because their super-duper running back fumbled in overtime. Sucks to be him.

Middle Tennessee State (MIDDLE TENNESSEE STATE!!!!) boatraced the U. in Miami, 45-31. Usually, when these mid-level teams get paid to go to a big-time program’s place and actually win, it’s a bit of a squeaker. Not in this case. I didn’t watch the game, but apparently, the game wasn’t even as close as the final score. Get fucked, Hurricanes!!!! I will give you one (1) U.S. dollar if you can tell me what town Middle Tennessee State is in and in which conference they play. The U. ran this play, which sums up their afternoon perfectly:

In the worst, most fun game of the weekend, Auburn and Missouri played what somewhat resembled football in the epic Tigers-vs-Tigers match-up, a game neither team wanted to win. They were tied at the end of the game when Missouri got a beautiful pass down the sideline to get to the Auburn 2-yard line or so. There was a minute left and they had at least a timeout (I think two). FORTUNE FAVORS THE BOLD, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!! Auburn hadn’t scored in the second half and their offense is hot garbage anyway, so stick the ball in the end zone and go the hell home. Missouri knelt on the ball twice, setting up their field-goal kicker for a game-winner. And … he did this:

Fuck you, Missouri!!!!!

In overtime, Auburn tried to throw an interception but failed, so they kicked a field goal. Missouri would win the game if they scored a touchdown, and their running back broke into the clear and was going to score … and then he did this:

Ball game. SCORE THE TOUCHDOWN IN REGULATION NEXT TIME, MISSOURI!!!!! Screw you. I was hoping Auburn would win, because it would make Penn State’s beat-down of them the week earlier look better, but it’s clear they’re trash. Missouri was just a slightly better version of trash this week.

Iowa, meanwhile, beat up hapless Rutgers, 27-10. Hey, did the Hawkeyes figure out how to play offense? Not … exactly. Here’s the breakdown: Offense: 6 points (1 touchdown). Special teams: 9 points (3 point-afters, 2 field goals). DEFENSE: 12 points (2 touchdowns). Once again, their defense outscored their offense AND the other team. Iowa has already lost one game because their offense is trash. Wait until they play a team that doesn’t turn the ball over!

Kansas is 4-0, almost unbelievably, and is still unranked. What the hell, voters? I have only seen a few minutes of one Kansas game, but they’re fun as hell. Let’s go, Jayhawks!!!!

Stephen F. Austin University won a football game 98-0. THEY KNELT ON THE BALL FOR THE FINAL TWO-POINT CONVERSION SO THEY WOULDN’T HIT 100. Is that more insulting than not scoring 100, or less? I think more.

Item! Professional football was also played, in which grown men are paid ungodly amounts of money to grab at the oblong ball and pat each other on the ass. ‘Murica!

The excellent Philadelphia Eagles were excellent again, beating up on the hapless Washington Football Team (they may have a new name, but they’ll always be WTF to me!), 24-8, despite not scoring any points in the second half for the second straight week. The Eagles have an easy schedule, it’s true, but they’ve pummeled the last two opponents, and they’re looking very, very good. They sacked Carson Wentz, the ex-Eagle, NINE times, and yes, the internet made Ferris Bueller jokes. Wentz is easily sacked, it’s true, but that’s still a lot. And their quarterback, Jalen Hurts, is slinging the ball all over the yard:

Next week, they get to play Jacksonville, which is coached by their ex-coach, the only dude to win a Super Bowl for the Eagles. Fun times with Dougie P! Jacksonville has won two straight games in dominating fashion, so we’ll find out what both teams are made of this weekend!

Miami beat Buffalo 21-19 in an entertaining game. The Bills should have won the game – they ran 90 (!) plays, while the Dolphins ran only 39, and Buffalo held the ball for just over 40 minutes. But they couldn’t get a spike to stop the clock at the end of the first half to attempt a field goal, and at the end of the game, their wide receiver couldn’t get out of bounds to stop the clock and time ran out before they could run a final play. Clock management is crucial!!!!! This game, of course, will be remembered forever because of … THE BUTT PUNT!!!!!

It is glorious and triumphant. The photograph might be even better. It sort of looks like forced perspective and the ball is behind the dude, but as we know from the live shot, it’s not – the ball is going right into his butt!

Next time your significant other asks to do “butt stuff,” grab a football! They will be pleasantly surprised!

Speaking of gaffes, on Sunday Night Football, Jimmy Garappolo did this and made everyone forget they were watching a garbage football game:

This is a safety, and San Francisco lost by one point. Oh dear, Jimmy G. This made the score 7-5, and the only other NFL game that ended 7-5 was played in the 1930s, so you can bet I wanted this one to end that way, too! Alas, Denver scored a touchdown and San Fran kicked a field goal, but those two points were crucial to the Broncos’ win! Of course, Dan Orlovsky did this back in 2008, and he, of course, was ecstatic:

In other games, Green Bay beat Tampa when Tom Brady got a delay of game penalty on a two-point conversion try late in the game, probably because he lost his dentures and was looking for them (Brady is old, get it?). Lamar Jackson continued to make Baltimore’s owners cringe by ho-humming his way to 4 TD passes and 1 TD run, making his price tag go up and up and up. Detroit couldn’t hold a 10-point, 4th-quarter lead and lost after they attempted a long field goal to go up 27-21 but missed, giving Minnesota the ball back far too close to the end zone. Everyone says the Lions should have gone for it (they needed 4 yards), but they could have punted. Even if it goes into the end zone, Minnesota has the ball at the 25-yard line with no timeouts and very little time. Detroit should have gone for it or punted, and they picked Option Three. Good job, Lions! They did, however, get an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for excessive celebration, thanks to Jamaal Williams’s gyrations:

Here’s a better view:

Remember Key and Peele, kids! Only two pumps!

Carolina beat New Orleans, and I listened, incredulous, to people on ESPN today still thinking the Saints can turn it around, because suddenly Jameis Winston is going to stop throwing interceptions? That’s who he is, people! The Bengals got to play the Jets, so they got their first win. The Steelers and Bears continue to send offensive football back into the Stone Age, but Chicago managed to win their game because Houston is just that inept. Kansas City lost in Indianapolis, and as much as I like Andy Reid (and even Patrick Mahomes), I do enjoy when they lose, because the national media always seems so surprised about it. “What? But we have anointed Mahomes as the greatest quarterback ever? How could he lose to peasants?!?!?!” Suck it national media. And the Cowboys won. GODDAMNIT, NEW YORK, YOU HAD ONE JOB!!!!!!

What, pray tell, did you readers see around the sports world that caught your eye?

13 Comments

  1. Eric van Schaik

    I’m glad you’re so mild in your opinions when talking about sports. LOL

    Annemiek van Vleuten became world champion in women cycling. She had a fractured elbow but still managed to surprise the others in the last kilometer. I know it’s not your favorite sport but this caught my Dutch eye. 😉

    1. Greg Burgas

      They should put me on ESPN. Oh, the hawt taeks would fly!!!!!!

      That’s very cool that she was able to win with a bad elbow. I imagine that, in cycling, that’s kind of a crucial joint. And hey, sports are sports – love what you love! 🙂

    2. conrad1970

      Well that Dolphins/Bills game was amazing, I still can’t believe they walked away with a win after that punt.
      Yeah, the poor old Lions managed to find a way to lose again, I really feel for those fans.
      As for Brady I’m kind of feeling this will be his final season, he has to be in his mid 40’s now surely and looking nowhere near as sharp as he used to be.

      1. Greg Burgas

        Brady is … 45, I think? I could look it up, but I’m pretty sure I’m right. So, yeah, he can’t be around much longer – I think his coming back this year was weird, because he technically retired, and so far this year, it’s not looking like the greatest choice!

        The Dolphins … dang, they wanted that win badly, so it seems they let Tua play when he probably shouldn’t have. And now he’s hurt, seemingly somewhat badly. I hope he’s ok, but it’s another indication of how teams really feel about player safety, sadly.

        1. conrad1970

          That’s sad news about Tua, I can’t see the Dolphins getting much success with out him.
          I thought it was heat exhaustion that was the problem but I guess not. It will be interesting to see what happens when the play the Bengals today.

          1. conrad1970

            Ok I see he was concussed against the Bills then and injured against the Bengals today.
            Having such a short turn around it’s astounding that they didn’t sit him out this week, idiots.

          2. Greg Burgas

            Thursday night games have always sucked, and the players hate them, but they still get the ratings, so the NFL doesn’t care. At the very least, they can’t “hide” his concussion – if indeed he suffered one on Sunday – this time around, so at least he has to go through the protocols this time. A small comfort, but it’s something.

  2. Bright-Raven

    RE: Aaron Judge:

    People DID complain about the ‘roiders (and the corked bats, which both McGwire and Sosa were caught with in games, when their bats split open and they saw it), so whatever, man. As for whether or not Judge is ‘clean’… they allegedly test him daily now, for the very reason to prove that he is clean so that whatever his total ends up being will ‘count’, presuming they don’t find anything and that his bats are cleared as well.

    As for Babe Ruth potentially hitting 104 home runs in a season – complete and utter bullshit. Ruth averaged 140 games a season compared to today’s 162. The most home runs he ever hit in a single season was 60. To suggest he would hit 104 in a single 162 game season means he’d have to average of at least two home runs every single game for 22 games in a row. That is preposterous. Nobody in the history of the game has ever hit a SINGLE home run in a game in more than 8 consecutive games (there are guys who hit multi-HR games in that run, but nobody who hit 2 or more each game more than 4 games in a row).

    So no, Jenkinson is just talking out his ass in that book. Of course, that doesn’t mean Babe Ruth isn’t still the better overall player to Judge (or any other “home run king”), since Ruth was a top level pitcher for most of his career also.

    RE: Penn State Vs. Central Michigan:

    Sorry, but Penn St. should have won by at least 30 points, the way Central’s played this year.

    RE: Kansas Jayhawks:

    You do have to play somebody worth a damn to get ranked you know. They haven’t played an AP top 25 ranked team yet. They have to keep winning through November, where they will have beaten TCU (who is 3-0 and should be top 25 and will be top 25 if they beat Oklahoma this week at 4-0), Oklahoma (currently 18th will drop out of the top 25 if they lose to TCU), Baylor (16th) and Oklahoma State (9th) as their gauntlet before anybody’s going to remotely take them seriously.

    RE: Stephen F. Austin game:

    They played an NAIA team with a new head coach playing their first game of the season. Not exactly a big deal, and exactly what one should expect, since NAIA is the lowest tier division of college football. No one expected a fair fight, and it wasn’t.

    1. Greg Burgas

      Louis: Oh, please. There was some hand-wringing about Bonds, mainly because Bonds was so churlish with the press, and at that point, most people couldn’t avoid the steroids question, but I don’t know who you were watching in 1998, when McGwire and Sosa went back and forth, but it certainly wasn’t any major sports network, because those dudes were all about celebrating their achievements.

      Have you read Jenkinson’s book? He points out that Ruth played in much larger ball parks, with vast outfields, and for much of his career, the ground rules stated that balls that landed foul were foul, even if they left the yard inside the foul pole. Plus, he played many, many exhibition games during the season, and teams always tried to beat his teams, so they played their hardest. He played a lot against Negro League teams, too, and those dudes, as we know, were very talented. The point is, Ruth left a lot of home runs on the table, because the rules were skewed against home runs. You can say the total of 104 is ridiculous, and Jenkinson does cook the books a bit, but Ruth played more games than the players do today, because he played the regulation games and somewhere in the ballpark (so to speak) of 20-30 exhibition games, during the season, against players who, because of the small number of teams compared to today, might have been major league quality as we know it today. It’s just a thought. It might be a reach, but it’s a fact that Ruth played in bigger ballparks and the ground rules worked against him.

      Yes, Penn State, coming off an emotional victory against a big-time team on the road and consisting of kids 18 to 22 years old (or so) and playing at home against an inferior opponent, should have destroyed them by more. I mean, how dare they? CMU won 9 games last year, and they’ll probably do fairly well this year. I would have liked them to beat them by more, but to rant about a three-touchdown win is silly.

      Early season rankings are stupid, so to say that a team hasn’t beaten a ranked team yet is stupid. Neither has Penn State, but they get ranked because of reputation. Neither has USC, but they’re in the top ten. Those are just the two teams I can think of without checking, but I’m sure it’s true of a lot of teams. Are Penn State and USC worthy of their rankings? Beats me, but using the argument that “they haven’t beaten anyone” this early in the season means nothing. Very few teams have beaten anyone, and even those that did – Ohio State beating Notre Dame, for instance – means nothing because Notre Dame was obviously far overrated.

      Stephen F. Austin shouldn’t have scheduled the game, and I don’t think anyone expected it to be fair. I just made the point that it’s more insulting to not score 100 than to score 100. At least if you score that final two-point conversion, you can claim you played to the bitter end. By not scoring it, they said it wasn’t even worth it. That’s insulting!

    2. Paleontologist and science writer Stephen Jay Gould makes a similar point: training absolutely sucked in Ruth’s day so everyone relied on natural talent, which meant a wide range of performance. As training improved the really bad pitchers went away.
      How that relates to what Greg says below, I don’t know the game enough to say.

  3. Bright-Raven

    Yes, I read Jenkinson’s book.

    The only reason Babe Ruth would hit more home runs was because the pitchers of his era SUCKED. From 1919 to 1934 the league average ERA was 4.08. The three years he hit 50+ home runs (1920, 1921, and 1927), the league average ERA was 3.47, 3.99, and 4.02 respectively, and the 1927 while the league average was 4.02, if you sit down and check the ERAs of the pitchers Ruth actually hit the 60 home runs off of, their average ERA is 5.35 and NONE of them had less than a 2.5 ERA for the season.

    Meanwhile, Aaron Judge is hitting 61 homers in a season where the MLB average ERA is 3.19 – lower than any league ERA in Ruth’s best years. There are 8 pitchers with a below 2.5 ERA in the league, 5 of which are in the American League were Judge plays. The average ERA of the pitchers Judge is hitting his HRs off of? 3.71.

    Next, you want to talk about how Ruth played more games because of exhibition. Judge played a shortened exhibition warm up season of 11 games instead of the usual 30 in which he hit 4 home runs. He also played in exhibition games in triple A Scranton before the pre-season which he hit 7 home runs total. So that brings his overall total of Home Runs to 72 in games in 2022 to date, if we’re adding in stuff like that.

    Next, is the weird shape of the ball parks. Wilkinson makes a big deal about how much larger most of the parks were, but I hate to break it to you, a third of the parks back then were SMALLER that the average today, and some had homerun wall marks UNDER 300 FEET and about 15% of Ruth’s home runs were of that “gimmie” nature.

    Everyone talks about Ruth’s Tape Measure shots over 500 feet, but the reality is his average home run ball was only 411 feet. What has been Aaron Judge’s average home run ball in 2022? 412 feet. So I’d say they’re practically identical in that regard.

    ************

    “CMU won 9 games last year, and they’ll probably do fairly well this year.”

    Central Michigan is 1-3 currently, and I expect them to close out the year with a record of 5-7 or 6-6.

    This is what I expect to happen for the remainder of the season:

    Toledo – Win
    Ball State – Win
    Akron – Win
    Bowling Green – Lose
    Northern Illinois – Lose
    Buffalo – Win
    Western Michigan – Lose
    Eastern Michigan – Win

    That takes them to 6-6. But they could also lose to Ball State or Eastern Michigan, which would set them back to 5-7 or even 4-8. It doesn’t look like a good year for my Chips.

    1. Greg Burgas

      Fair enough. But Judge gets the benefit of modern conditioning and technology, definitely smaller ballparks, new balls all the time with definite juicier advantages, and much less stressful travel conditions. I’m not saying Judge isn’t having a great season, I just don’t think it’s on par with Ruth’s best seasons. You can argue otherwise, but no one will ever win. Remember: Ruth was playing in an era geared away from home runs, while Judge is playing in an era geared toward home runs. It’s like trying to compare Tom Brady to Sammy Baugh. I can say Baugh was a better quarterback (and I believe it), but given that Brady is playing in an era totally geared toward quarterbacks and Baugh wasn’t, it’s not a great comparison.

      Well, maybe CMU isn’t as good as they were last year, but they’re still better than Kent State, and they played super-Georgia better than the Chippewas played Penn State, and it’s not a big deal, which is why I don’t think the Penn State game is anything to be bothered about.

      1. Corrin Radd

        I’m not surprised to see that Toledo beat CMU yesterday after having watched the Rockets vs Ohio State. Sure the OSU game was an unfair blowout, but it was pretty clear that Toledo is a nice little team with some real athletes (their quarterback is outstanding—he will win some games for them this year on his own).

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