My first article, woo! Alright, so, not sure if you are all aware, but I work at a retro toy and collectibles store in Los Angeles (Tarzana to be specific) called Big Kid Collectables! We see a lot of cool and weird stuff. Some items are so strange, so grotesque, so mind-bendingly heinous and stupid that I can’t let them go by without sharing them with you all.
If it were up to me, these toys would be thrown in the garbage, loaded into a cannon, and then fired into the sun just out of their sheer uselessness. They are the items that when I take photos and post them online I just go, “Who the actual Hell would buy this stupid thing?” More often than not, they sell within a few days or sometimes even a few hours! I am forced to analyze what exactly it is that would compel someone to buy such a stupid item.
Food Fighters: Combat at its Kookiest – Private Pizza (and his terrible friends / enemies)
WTF?! Wow. Also eww. A pizza soldier. This is so stupid. I hate it. I’m not crazy, right? This thing is super stupid. This is a toy you’d find in the back of a run-down CVS while your mom bought her osteoporosis medication or whatever. Nobody wants this. What kid would choose this over a Transformer or a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle or a Star Wars action figure? Heck, if you want a soldier, why not get a god damned GI Joe!? But no, you got a Food Fighter. You got an anthropomorphic pizza with a crappy little gun and backpack who can pal around with all his disappointing food-themed friends.
So, instead of just ignoring this affront to human decency, I, of course, had to dive in and dissect every detail of this horrid figure. First off, these food items have real person arms and legs. This leads to asking more questions such as: “Are they life-sized?” If so, that’s terrifying. “Are they the size of their food items?” That’s not quite as bad but the realization that these foods sprouted mini arms and legs is still unsettling. They also have helmets, implying that they have brains worth saving. I get that it’s part of a costume but still, these are the fevered thoughts I have at night as I am haunted by images of this toy.
Let’s now dive in to the “description” of this abomination. First off, he is described as an “action figure.” The only action I want to be made with him is a swift dropkick into a trashcan. Regardless, this “action figure” has a full Food Freshness File full of terrible puns and pizza-related “jokes.” They hurt my soul so I will just let you read them for yourself.
The real terror here is that this is not the worst of the Food Fighters. Take a look at the back and you will see all his horrid pals. My personal favorites are Major Munch the doughnut, Lieutenant Legg the chicken leg, and Mean Weener the hot dog. You can collect them all and have them ride in the BBQ Bomber! Oh what fun! Kill me.
What is also surprising to me is that this is not some one-off company that makes knockoff toys. This is Mattel. This is THE toy company. Somebody was in a pitch room and pitched this idea to some executive. It probably went like this:
Guy: So you know how kids like to play with their food?
Business Executive: Yes.
Guy: Well why don’t we give the kids food to play with? Y’know, like food toys! Food toy soldiers!
Business Executive: Go on.
Guy: I give you Food Fighters. They’re like G.I. Joe’s except food soldiers. Oh the fun and frolicking the children will have. They can collect them all!
Business Executive:Yeah, uh, sure go for it. People like food and people like food fights. How about some celebratory lines of coke?!
Guy: No thanks! I already had plenty before I came in here.
And then they both high-fived. Or at least that’s what I imagine the late 80’s to look like. I wasn’t alive.
What’s extra upsetting is that then some Malaysian factory workers had to crank out this crap for a month, load it onto a ship, and send it over the sea to America. And we wonder why foreigners don’t like America sometimes. I give you Food Fighters. +1 Hate point. Well done.
Why any child would have or want more than one of these is beyond me. But what do I know? I am sure there are people who love these things, in fact, I know there are people who love these things, because we sold within 24 hrs of being on our web-store! I was simply flabbergasted. But, strangely, I sort of understand why someone would want something like this. It’s so bad that it’s actually sort of good. It’s like looking at an ugly painting. Bad art is easy to ignore but truly bad art – the kind of art that stops you in its tracks due to its sheer terribleness – is exceptional! I guess that’s why someone would buy Private Pizza. I sincerely hope that the buyer doesn’t have a collection of these… but we all know that’s a fools hope. This is the internet we are dealing with here and in that deep dark void, there is no hope.
Just for the record I plan on making “WTF?! Toys” an ongoing series, so be sure to keep your eyes peeled for more weird-toy articles on the horizon.